From the moment we’re born, our society begins to tell us what “real men” should be like. It tells us how we should act, how we should look, and every other minutae about what a man is. This is called social conditioning and the main problem is, it’s almost all absolutely wrong. For the first six years or so of our life, we learn how to become emotionally retarded. Then the rest of our life is spent trying to reverse the emotional retardation by running in circles; we don’t get very far.
What does this have to do with yoga? “Why can’t you show me some of those stretchy poses so I can do some yoga?” Yoga is much more than just asana (those “stretchy poses”). Yoga is an entire science of self examination, growth, and evolution. We must look within to grow, and the truth is, when we do, its usually not very pretty. And by not very pretty, I mean sometimes it’s outright disturbing and can destroy lifelong belief systems.
Take yoga off the mat at your local studio. Begin to observe yourself and others. Observe your reaction to others and their reactions to you. WHY are we so reactive? And why does everyone seem to act so childish, as if they’re still in kindergarten? Think about how a group of kindergarteners act at recess and then apply that to how our “adults” act. Notice any similarities? Yes, we’re emotionally retarded children trapped in adults bodies.
What went wrong? Many things. In part, when you’re raised by a world that is full of emotional retardation, you don’t have many good role models. In the rare instance you do have a reasonably emotionally mature parent, the rest of the world is sure to beat you down as you move through life. All of a sudden, later in life, you’re sitting there wondering what went wrong. Why does everything feel wrong.
My guru and I had this email conversation which helped lead me on the path of growing up (I still have plenty of maturation to go). I emailed him with:
Life has been interesting lately. I’ve been highly reactive and impatient and projecting a lot on others. I’ve been observing myself and others and recently connected to the following:
I am an emotional retard. Most people are emotionally retarded. I don’t say this with derision but as an observation and with compassion. In other words, I am physically 31 years old and might have the mental capacity of a 31 year old, but emotionally, I am around 5-8 years old. I react to the world as it reacts to me as if I was 5-8 years old. My guess is that childhood traumas coupled with everyone around us being emotionally retarded hinders our emotional growth. I’m guessing you don’t react because you observe and you have grown up emotionally. Am I on track here?
I asked myself tonight, “HOW do I grow up emotionally?” The answer is that you have to be the seer. The observer. We have to be so observant of ourselves that we see when we are being or about to be emotionally reactive and, with compassion, as if we are dealing with a 5-8 year old (because we are), cultivate emotional growth. I’m guessing significant work can also be done in stillness and meditation.
Am I on the right track? If so, any tips or advice?
His reply?
Well, I am sorry to tell you that you are correct. Your wording and insight although somewhat crass is very accurate. Humans are primarily emotionally retarded. We spend approximately the first 6 years of our lives being trained to be emotionally retarded and spend the rest of our
lives trying to undo what society, family, culture, religion, etc., has done to us. This is why going back through childhood experiences is so essential in the psychotherapeutic process.
Almost all of our reactions in adulthood come from unresolved childhood experiences. If they were resolved we would no longer “react” in adulthood. These are also lodged somewhere in your muscle tissue which is what I believe the tremors in TRE searching for.
Your solution however is right on target. Simply observe! Psychology calls this the “object self”. The person that stands behind you and just looks at situations and your reactions to them. It does not get involved. It is what I spent most of my life attempting to master (AND STILL HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO). Just observe my feelings, sensations, thoughts and behaviors.
One way to think of it is as though everything outside of you is simply on a movie screen. When you see a movie that disturbs you, you don’t get out of your seat and try to change the characters on the screen because you know that they are simply being projected by the projector in the back of the room. You get up and go to the projector. Well, the good news my dear friend is that you are the projector. You can change the projections you are seeing any time you want. By simply observing the screen play in front of you instead of expecting it to change, you can just change your projection and the image has to change because you are no longer projecting it. So, you projected all these emotional retards so that you could finally see that within yourself. Now that you have seen it, you can change this projection and begin to project people who are masters at “observing” themselves and not “reacting”.
This is simply a matter of practice like all the other techniques in a spiritual journey of awakening. Just observe! Watch yourself as you react and do react to your reaction. Just observe your reaction and your reaction to your reaction. Don’t get mad at yourself, don’t become impatient, don’t do any of that….just observe. It may sound boring and unengaged but in all honesty it is the most interesting experience you can have on the planet. Go around observing others and yourself interacting with others. I have finally managed to laugh at myself a lot and enjoy the silliness of it all.
Yes, you can use stillness and meditation intermittently to help you through this process. However, I have met many people who have developed stillness in solitude but when they left the place of solitude they could not sustain their objectivity. They would become “undone” and have to return to their “hiding place” of solitude. Until you can achieve stillness and objectivity in the midst of the crowded marketplace (Budda said), then you haven’t become the master of yourself.
I have found that initially, a place of silence and stillness helped me get on the bandwagon (so to speak), but after that initial push in the right direction, it was right back into the midst of chaos that really helped me learn to observe. There is nothing like a bunch of emotional retards to help give us the kick in the pants that we all need to finally SEE ourselves. Sooooooo, I have to say that your trip has been very successful. What you were looking for all along was a place to call home and now that you haven’t found it in the northwest, Oregon, Colorado and Texas(?), maybe the universe was trying to tell you that home is really in your “object self” and if you can go there, you will find peace, centeredness and beauty anyplace you go after that. AIN’T THE UNIVERSE GREAT?
As men, society tells us very early on that, “real men don’t cry”. This leads to us to not properly deal with traumatic emotional encounters so emotion becomes trapped in our tissue as deep chronic tension and slowly eats away at our minds, bodies, and souls. As such, we don’t mature or let go of growth retarding traumas from our past. Let go of this incorrect social conditioning. It may not be easy, but your practice of yoga will suddenly take a big leap forward.
